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22 September 2010 @ 02:33 pm
"Boss Rush" Episode I: Masters of the Universe  
Title: "Boss Rush"  Episode I: Masters of the Universe
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
500 words
Warnings: astro-sex, Dune references, mermaids, universes.
Summary: Just a short while ago, while reading
fangfaceandrea's latest thoughts on the Buffy comic, I arrived at a sudden conclusion about the Season 8 creative process... including the true power behind the throne!

*** deep within the bowels of Dark Horse headquarters ***

: Ooh, I got it you guys!  Let's do a "Boss Rush!"


JONATHAN: That's, like, soooooo Gradius II, man.

Look, I say we just stick to the astro-naughty, universe-endy gameplan... except this time, maybe you should actually pay attention to my notes, Vincent Van Gonad!

Double-D cups and extra super glowyness?



(crunching sounds)

: Hey, what if we turn Dawn into a mermaid?  Did we do mermaid, yet?

WARREN:  Not bad, Andrew-san.  Definite boob-age potential there.

  But, how would she, you know... get around? 

ANDREW: Hey, no problem.  You remember that one scene in "Dune" with the Guild Navigator?

JONATHAN:  Dude, I remember every scene in "Dune."

ANDREW:  Yeah, me too.  Such a good movie.

  'He who controls the Spice, controls the universe!'

ANDREW:  'Behold, as a wild ass in the desert, I go forth to my work.'

WARREN:  Uh, hello?  Deadlines, people, deadlines!

(crunching sounds)


WARREN:  Okay, okay, let's keep it simple.  So, the universe is out to create another universe, right?

JONATHAN:  Is that what's going on?

ANDREW:  I totally didn't get that either.

WARREN:  Whatever, it's not important.  Anyway, I'm thinking that we could bring that hot chick Satsu back, right?  Except now she's a hot vampire chick, and when they get to Sunnydale, Satsu's doin' the horizontal hokey-pokey with... wait for it... The Master!

ANDREW:  Cool.... but, um.  Why?

WARREN:  Yeah, good question, good question... Oh!  Got it.  Okay, they're gettin' down and undead-dirty so they can give birth to their own new universe to combat the Universe's universe, right?  And so then Buffy has to get nude 'n' rude with Vamp Satsu and Angel - at the same time, mind you - in order to reverse the polarity of that new universe, which in turn causes our Mister Master to totally explode, Michael Bay-style!   Roll credits.  Finito.  Then we just sit back and count the moolah, boys.

JONATHAN:  You know, I think it could actually work.  I can draw pretty good explosions.

ANDREW:  Why don't we just get Buffy and Spike back together?

JONATHAN:  Gahhhhhhh not again...

WARREN:  No, no, a thousand times NO!

ANDREW:  No, I know.  I'm just saying... it just feels a little weird, is all.  I mean, they had one of the most unresolved romances, like, ever.  And now, Spike's the captain of a bug ship, and Angel's talking to dogs and glowing, and Giles... I'm not sure what Giles is doing, actually.  Anyway, I was just thinking how the whole theme was supposed to be "The Long Way Home," right?  But shouldn't the way home be through people's hearts and stuff?



ANDREW:  Like, isn't that the whole point?  Not vampires and secret government guys and talking bugs and lesbian space-nookie, but, like... like, how we use our souls to make connections when we're young, and how as we get older we have to fight and struggle and basically risk everything just to keep those connections alive.



  I mean, that's it, right?



WARREN:  Dude.  Grow up.

on to Episode II: Warren's Revenge

coalitiongirl: comics Wednesdaycoalitiongirl on September 22nd, 2010 07:01 pm (UTC)
Hee! This I would buy. ;D
lostboy_ljlostboy_lj on September 22nd, 2010 08:35 pm (UTC)
If issue #40 starts this way, I'm gonna sue!
Amy: Evil Smirk Spikeamyxaphania on September 22nd, 2010 07:07 pm (UTC)
Haha! Amazing.
lostboy_lj: choculalostboy_lj on September 22nd, 2010 08:36 pm (UTC)
heh heh
fangfaceandreafangfaceandrea on September 22nd, 2010 08:02 pm (UTC)
1. Bwahahahahahahaha and *snorts* and LOL. heee mermaid Dawn.

2. Andrew!! I love Andrew!!

3. yes, this reeks of Warren, why didn't we see it before?
lostboy_ljlostboy_lj on September 22nd, 2010 08:37 pm (UTC)
I know, it's all so clear now! It had to be Warren all along.
Rebcake: btvs_trio_bonerebcake on September 22nd, 2010 09:11 pm (UTC)
Hey! I've had the mermaid Dawn bunny for, like, a year and a half! Litigate! Litigate! Litigate! (Like my Dalek impression?)

lostboy_lj: Brittanylostboy_lj on September 22nd, 2010 10:28 pm (UTC)
Hahah, yes I like it very much. :)

Don't sue Lostboy! Leave Lostboy alone!!!
dampersnspoons: The Fan Boydampersnspoons on September 23rd, 2010 06:24 pm (UTC)
Your icon matches one of my mood theme icons, and it only makes me want to high five your soul.

Also? Your Warren is perfect. PERFECT! I didn't even read season 8 and I enjoyed the h-e double hockey sticks out of this! (That's "hell" between you an' me, Russ.)

Love it!
lostboy_ljlostboy_lj on September 23rd, 2010 06:31 pm (UTC)
Hahahah, thanks for soul-pop, sister.

I also figured out your whole "eyebrow" idea... only took me twelve hours or so. Bah, I just billed it to my client. I pass the savings on to you, the consumer.

After reading it again I'm having some misgivings. I don't want people don't take it as some kind of a broadside in this Epic Comic War going on right now. So I'm working on "Part II: Warren's Revenge."
dampersnspoons: MST3K: Joel - the funny one (NO SHARING)dampersnspoons on September 23rd, 2010 06:38 pm (UTC)
I didn't even know about the ECW going on until 30 minutes ago. I'm in the safe zone, where my ignorance actually is bliss.

If "Part II: Warren's Revenge" doesn't have a Red Sonja and/or Mad Max reference in it, may God have mercy on my Bladerunner soul. Really, I just wanted to make pop culture references.

"Zack. Zack. He's a Lego Maniac." - see? There's another.

I will not end this by saying, "Where's the Beef?"
lostboy_lj: Mad Babylostboy_lj on September 23rd, 2010 06:48 pm (UTC)
"Zack. Zack. He's a Lego Maniac."

Wouldn't it be great if Zack grew up and actually became a "Lego Maniac." I'm thinking one of those tortured serial killers who builds increasingly elaborate death machines out of Legos. Starring William Hurt as Zack and Jennifer Anniston as Shirly Hooper, the only victim to ever escape his clutches.
dampersnspoons: Eastbound&Down: Kenny Powersdampersnspoons on September 23rd, 2010 07:03 pm (UTC)
If that brilliant movie idea isn't on Lifetime in the next two years, then the universe has mocked us both.

The universe...has mocked us both.

Or it'll be a sidebar on Intervention and all of Zack's family will confront him, one-by-one, to discuss at great length how his Lego addiction has affected them all. And he'll go, "Aw, hell no! Y'all just be hatin' because I can build seventeen robots-with wheels-in under ten minutes using only my face."

And then it will fade to black, because even the producers of Intervention had no idea what the fuck they were getting into. And you can take that to the bank!

lostboy_lj: Mad Babylostboy_lj on September 23rd, 2010 07:30 pm (UTC)
Yeah, totally can see that, too. "Check the phaser bay on this Blacktron Renegade, biz-nitches! Shit is poppin' yo!"

Cut to a shot of Zack's forlorn sister, trying her damndest to hold back the tears. After all, the tears won't help Zack, Zack the Lego Maniac, and they certainly won't help her. And then we pan over to Mikey of Life Cereal Fame. The grande-dame of campaign-kid burnouts, he glowers at Zack through jaded eyes that have seen too much.

"Mikey doesn't like it," he says, his voice a chilling instrument. "Mikey doesn't like it at all..."
dampersnspoons: Attack of the Hooker Babies! (NO STEALY)dampersnspoons on September 23rd, 2010 08:10 pm (UTC)
I haven't laughed this hard in DAYS.

One man, one dream, one Lego. The battle to end all battles. Is courage enough? Is this six-pegged block of steel man enough to fight the persnickety and often indecisive one-holed fury of Mikey?

We don't know who will win, but we do know this: it'll take more than a few bowls of cereal to determine who will become WWF's Champion! Be there...or be square.

Next week, Jake the Snake takes on Rowdy Roddy Piper!
lostboy_lj: venturelostboy_lj on September 23rd, 2010 08:19 pm (UTC)
Re: I haven't laughed this hard in DAYS.
Is this what we're going to do now? Are we going to just sit here all day cracking each other the fuck up? Is that any way for grown adults to act? We're we raised in barns? Does "one-holed fury" sound vaguely dirty or is that just me? Who is this? How did you get this number? Prank-caller! Prank-caller!
Knife Edge: Neatknifeedgefic on September 23rd, 2010 02:52 am (UTC)
Season 8 suddenly makes SENSE! OMG!

(also, I love you Andrew. You can totally be my Gay BFF.)
lostboy_ljlostboy_lj on September 23rd, 2010 03:08 pm (UTC)
Andrew told me to tell you he's not gay, he's just big-boned.
Emmie: Andrew Crime Tastes Funnyangearia on September 24th, 2010 09:05 pm (UTC)
Bwha! I wanna draw hearts and kisses around all of Andrew's lines, then I laugh my ass off at Warren's soulless agenda and Jonathan quietly musing how he is very good at drawing explosions.
lostboy_ljlostboy_lj on September 24th, 2010 09:52 pm (UTC)
Heh heh, thanks!
Elenamoscow_watcher on September 26th, 2010 11:01 am (UTC)
Heeee! I adore your take on the season 8! :)