Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Length: 500 words
Warnings: astro-sex, Dune references, mermaids, universes.
Summary: Just a short while ago, while reading fangfaceandrea's latest thoughts on the Buffy comic, I arrived at a sudden conclusion about the Season 8 creative process... including the true power behind the throne!
*** deep within the bowels of Dark Horse headquarters ***
ANDREW: Ooh, I got it you guys! Let's do a "Boss Rush!"
JONATHAN: That's, like, soooooo Gradius II, man.
WARREN: Look, I say we just stick to the astro-naughty, universe-endy gameplan... except this time, maybe you should actually pay attention to my notes, Vincent Van Gonad!
JONATHAN: Double-D cups and extra super glowyness?
ANDREW: Hey, what if we turn Dawn into a mermaid? Did we do mermaid, yet?
WARREN: Not bad, Andrew-san. Definite boob-age potential there.
JONATHAN: But, how would she, you know... get around?
ANDREW: Hey, no problem. You remember that one scene in "Dune" with the Guild Navigator?
JONATHAN: Dude, I remember every scene in "Dune."
ANDREW: Yeah, me too. Such a good movie.
JONATHAN: 'He who controls the Spice, controls the universe!'
ANDREW: 'Behold, as a wild ass in the desert, I go forth to my work.'
WARREN: Uh, hello? Deadlines, people, deadlines!
WARREN: Okay, okay, let's keep it simple. So, the universe is out to create another universe, right?
JONATHAN: Is that what's going on?
ANDREW: I totally didn't get that either.
WARREN: Whatever, it's not important. Anyway, I'm thinking that we could bring that hot chick Satsu back, right? Except now she's a hot vampire chick, and when they get to Sunnydale, Satsu's doin' the horizontal hokey-pokey with... wait for it... The Master!
ANDREW: Cool.... but, um. Why?
WARREN: Yeah, good question, good question... Oh! Got it. Okay, they're gettin' down and undead-dirty so they can give birth to their own new universe to combat the Universe's universe, right? And so then Buffy has to get nude 'n' rude with Vamp Satsu and Angel - at the same time, mind you - in order to reverse the polarity of that new universe, which in turn causes our Mister Master to totally explode, Michael Bay-style! Roll credits. Finito. Then we just sit back and count the moolah, boys.
JONATHAN: You know, I think it could actually work. I can draw pretty good explosions.
ANDREW: Why don't we just get Buffy and Spike back together?
JONATHAN: Gahhhhhhh not again...
WARREN: No, no, a thousand times NO!
ANDREW: No, I know. I'm just saying... it just feels a little weird, is all. I mean, they had one of the most unresolved romances, like, ever. And now, Spike's the captain of a bug ship, and Angel's talking to dogs and glowing, and Giles... I'm not sure what Giles is doing, actually. Anyway, I was just thinking how the whole theme was supposed to be "The Long Way Home," right? But shouldn't the way home be through people's hearts and stuff?
ANDREW: Like, isn't that the whole point? Not vampires and secret government guys and talking bugs and lesbian space-nookie, but, like... like, how we use our souls to make connections when we're young, and how as we get older we have to fight and struggle and basically risk everything just to keep those connections alive.
ANDREW: I mean, that's it, right?
WARREN: Dude. Grow up.
on to Episode II: Warren's Revenge